Motherhood changes everything

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations." But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation. I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, and not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts. My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Sick again

So we just got Matty over a virus and now he and I have bad colds. I always feel so bad when he gets a cold. There just really isn't anything that we can do about it. So we are staying home from our playdates this week and focusing on feeling better. Other than that, Matty is doing great. He is still trying so hard to walk. He makes it about two wobbly steps and then he falls over. He is trying to climb now. And he gets into everything that he can! What a silly boy! Having his little friends over makes me really want to wait on having another baby. I think that I would like him to be in preschool before I have another one. That way I can have a little alone time with the next baby too. And Matty will feel more like he is helping, I hope. And maybe he won't feel as jealous. I hate being sick. I can't call in to my job because there isn't anyone who can be my replacement. And I can't really rest unless the baby does. But on top of all of that, I fall so behind on my housework and I ache all over. Blah! Well, it will all be over soon. I am doing a secret Valentine thing with the other mommies in my group. I was going to deliver everything today, but James had to go back into work for a drug test. So I guess I will go tomorrow. I have so many things to get done this week. Thankfully, James is off from Thursday to Monday. And Sienna goes Friday to get spayed. I am hoping that it will help her calm down. Plus, she has gotten more aggressive lately. Not with us, but outside. She barks at everyone! She never used to do that. I hope that she gets better about it all. I love that dog. And I suspect that James does too. He worries over her. It is so sweet! Alright, well little man is getting sleepy so I need to get him down for his nap. Besides, the dog is going nuts outside.

Rain, rain go away

It has been raining here forever! Every day we get some rain. We had to cancel our beach trip because of it. Pooey. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow I can take Matty to the pool with his little buddy Ian. Mommy is not looking forward to being in her bathing suit in public, but I will get over it. I am just so sick of the rain. Matty is finally feeling better. The doctor said that he just picked up a virus. His diarrhea and diaper rash are much better and his fever is gone. YAY! Poor little man. He was having such a hard time. Now he is back to his happy little self. He is our cutie pie! I can't believe that he is going to be one in just a month and a half. Time has gone by so fast. It is so hard to be a mom sometimes. It is so hard to let go and let them grow up. Some days I just want him to stay little. And others I am looking forward to him growing up. Being a mom is definitely the most rewarding thing that I could have ever done with my life. And it is so much fun to watch him with his daddy. Lately, Matty has been a total daddy's boy. It is so adorable! And Matty took two wobbly steps to James the other day. And mommy didn't see it. James was so excited that he got to see something first. His face lights up and his eyes sparkle just like Matty when they both get excited. There is no way that anyone could doubt that Matty is James's son. They are too much alike. Even their poots smell the same sometimes! :D I love my boys. They help keep me grounded. And even though they can both drive me crazy on occassion, they make me unbelievably happy. Okay, well this isn't getting my house cleaned. Time to get to work!

Exhausted!

I don't know if I will ever stop being tired. Matty has been up and down at night at least two to five times. And with James working nights, I tend to stay up longer because I am lonely. We decided that I should go to a therapist to resolve some of the issues that I have been having i.e. overly tired, moody, depressed, etc. So I just started going to her and we will see how it goes. It is amazing how out of sorts you can feel sometimes. And lately I have been feeling like the worst mom. Do I let Matty watch too much TV? Do I interact with him enough? Am I feeding him the right amount of baby food? Should I keep breastfeeding him after a year? I just get so confused by the barrage of conflicting information out there on raising children. It is enough to make anyone feel inadequate. So I am trying my best to be a great mom and praying that I am doing well. James has decided to take up running and is participating in a 5K tomorrow. He even bought new running clothes. His shorts are shorter than Magnum PI's! :) As for me, UGH!, I am busy now. It seems like almost everyday I have something to do. I have made a lot of good friends on the mommies network site that I joined. I have been trying to get out there at least a few times a week. And I even hosted my first playdate! They all had such fun!!! We also go to a YMCA playgroup every Thursday. They are hiring and I am trying to see if they will let me bring Matty to work with me or not. It wouldn't hurt to be able to make a little extra money. I am managing to almost keep on top of all of the housework. YAY! And I am even starting to workout some. James bought me an exercise trampoline. It is hard to resist jumping on that thing! At least I am doing something. Now if I can get upstairs straightened up and painted, it will be so wonderful. The dog is in heat right now. Oh, what a mess! I have never had to deal with a dog in heat before. She is driving me nuts!!! Thankfully we are getting her spayed on the 15th after she is done with it all. Thank goodness! Hopefully she will calm down some. Alright, well I am talked out now.