Life goes on

I have been thinking a lot about how much things change in such a relatively short amount of time. James and I looked at pictures of our son from 6 months ago and compared them to now. Matty has grown so much! It is bittersweet. It is necessary to keep moving forward, but every now and then it is okay to look back and see what has happened to bring you to where you are now. It is a road full of happy memories mixed with terrible heartaches and many bumps along the way. I have been on this earth for a quarter of a century. I have lost many people that I have loved whether they have passed away or we have just lost touch over the years. Everything in life comes full circle at some point. We are now the parents watching our children grow when we once were the children growing. We are now the ones who worry and hold onto the precious moments. I love how college applications ask you what your greatest accomplishment has been. When you are just leaving high school, you haven't had any great accomplishments yet. In my life thus far, my greatest accomplishments have been my marriage and my son. I still try to keep in touch with the people in my life who matter most. I love my family. I don't just mean my parents and brother. I mean MY FAMILY. Everyone from my in-laws to my cousins and everyone in between. When we first came to Hawaii, I thought that it would be so great. And it is a beautiful place full of new experiences. But what I failed to see before we came here was how far away we would be from our loved ones. I barely knew my grandparents when I was growing up. I lost one grandfather before I was even born. And by the time I was eight, I had lost all but one of my grandparents. I want my son to know his grandparents. I want him to have memories with them. I want him to know his cousins. My family is very close. Growing up, I had no sisters. But I have always considered my cousins Heather and Nicole as surrogate sisters. Our grandmothers were sisters and I have always felt very connected to them. I miss them so much. When I was 19, I spent the summer with Heather and her beautiful family to help out with the boys. I should have followed my heart and stayed there, but then I never would have met my husband. I watched her and Donnie and the boys and I knew that was what I wanted for myself as well. Even through all of the heartache that they have suffered, they still find the joy in life. Their faith and love are so strong. The older I have become, the more I appreciate that. My husband is my best friend. Our son is the product of a very deep love. I am so blessed that God brought my husband into my life. I had been told for so many years that I could never have children. And then came my miracle, my blessing from God, my beautiful baby boy. I prayed so long and so hard for my child. He is so precious to me. And I honestly believe that I may have never had a child had I never met James. Maybe I am a bit of a romantic, but I believe that God created one person for everyone. Sometimes we are never meant to find them, but they are out there. Thankfully I found my soulmate. I just have a hard time sometimes because I get so afraid that it will all be so violently ripped away from me. I am learning to let go and give it to God, but somedays that is quite a difficult thing to do. Jacob was not my son, but I love him and his brothers as if they were. And seeing such a horrible tragedy happen to such a good and loving family like Heather's scares me to my core. If something like that can happen to such good people, what can happen to my family. I have noticed that I am afraid for my child more than I ever thought possible. I try to push these thoughts away, but some days they just creep up on me and won't leave. I am getting stronger about pushing them away and relying on God. It is a huge thing to be responsible for the well-being of someone so small and needy. But I would never change it for the world. I love being a mother. I love every minute that I spend with my son. Sometimes my heart feels so big that it may burst. Sometimes I find myself wanting to hold my son or husband when they are sleeping and I am tempted to wake them up. I have no idea why I am rambling on about all of this. It just feels good to get it all out. But my son needs to eat so I am just going to stop now.